TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed through the Placing inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely away from location. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But yes, positive, let's have Yet another location the place American Adult men can have on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace try since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though prior negotiations failed less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: give Every person a set over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be soft ability," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It's Trump Tower Damascus actually not that Trump should not open up a tower within a war zone. It is really that he really should halt making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the job, replied, "You understand, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from Area, a attribute getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after finding the setting up's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not just hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Complicated Options


Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium the place company could ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The advertisement marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Forever."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "where by's the closest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is currently attracting awareness from international buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll purchase three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage may also include:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have turn-down services."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews advise:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Views with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It required gold. It needed a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave all of it 3. You're welcome."

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